"His Place" :

I did something extraordinary leading up to Christmas; I ventured, all alone, into the hermetically (himetically?) sealed world of the hardware store. The place where sons of Adam take pride in dominating over everything created in metal and wood. Where the only other place a man can feel more like man's man is in his own private Eden—his backyard shed.

I was looking for one of those rotisserie things you attach to a barbeque. I thought it might make an interesting and novel Christmas gift for my other half since the barbie is, without question, his domain. Actually, I think its one of man's most primal urges to want to cook meat over an open fire. It's like "Me big brave hunter—take care of steak and sausages. You, little woman—gatherer of salads and burger buns."

Yes, real men know how to handle a barbie!

But I digress...

So anyway, back to the hardware store where a most affable store assistant approached me. He seemed kind of impressed that I knew the exact make and model of our barbie and began a long explanation about how to install the nifty gadget. I was feeling kind of flattered that he, of the male species, would share his 'superior' knowledge of such complex things as 'drill bits' and 'brackets' with me—one of the mere female variety.

Then, I mentioned my mate and he immediately cut the tutorial short, telling me: "Oh, don't worry then, he'll know how to do it for sure." I felt desolated! I felt deflated! Damn it, I felt dethrone from my position of gender equality! Well, the male of the species giveth, and the male of the species taketh away.

So, I told him, "Sure he will—if it come with full instructions."

Beautiful People.net :

"beautifulpeople.net —Introducing beautiful people to other beautiful people".

No, this web address isn't some kind stupid joke. Oh, no! This is real live, really serious stuff for those elitist plastic fantastics on the look for—no, not Miss or Mr Right, but—Miss or Mr Perfect!

Those hoping to gain membership must first submit a photo of themselves. A rating process invites existing members of the opposite sex to vote on whether a new applicant is 'beautiful' enough to be granted a membership, while those who don't measure up are ruthlessly booted off. I'm not sure exactly what happens if a member breaks the rules by say putting on weight, losing their suntan, forgetting to use their tooth whitener, or perish the thought, having too many birthdays. I guess they’re booted too.

Organisers say only one in 15 applications passes this stringent process—but claim more than 500 apply each day. "People are fed up of wasting time and money meeting unattractive people on the net," explained a spokesman for the site, "Beautifulpeople.net isn't about political correctness. We simply and unashamedly exist so that beautiful people can meet other beautiful people."

Does anyone else find this as ludicrous as me? What about finding your soul mate based on compatibility, friendship and true love? Isn't intelligence attractive? Doesn't being a good person count for something? What about having a great sense of humour, or being brave and courageous? And, surely being a kind and caring should tip the scales of love in your favour?

But wait just an eyebrow plucking moment, how many people are fortunate enough to be born with a beautiful body and a perfect face anyway? It frequently takes a lot of hard work and effort to be a 'beautiful person'! It can take years of dreary dieting, countless hours of exercise, and endless pill popping to achieve that 'perfect' body. And, let's not forget it takes a lot of guts to allow a surgeon to slice into your face to achieve nothing less that the perfect nose, chin, or what ever. Not to mention how brave you have to be to allow someone to stick a steel tube into your belly or thighs, or both, in order to have that 'excess' fat sucked out! And, what about those age defying martyrs who suffer the agony of having poison injected into their faces to hide their smile lines? Yes, the list of gruelling and painful practices and procedures some people are prepared to endure for the sake of vanity goes on and on—mercifully, for those reading this, I won't.

In fairness, some people really are just simply born beautiful. So, maybe I'm being too harsh on the 'beautifulpeople.net'? After all isn't this group just the non-intellectual equivalent of Mensa? Nobody knocks Mensa. These 'beautiful people' may not have mastered quantum physics or understand Einstein's theory of relativity, but damn it, most of them will have worked tirelessly at preening themselves and perfecting their perfect poses! We never criticise like-minded intelligent people enjoying each other's company. So, alternatively, what's so silly about beautiful bodied, clone faced people mixing and mingling?

Well, unfortunately, unlike intelligence, courage, kindness, and many other qualities we look for in a mate, the concept of physical beauty is constantly changing. Like it or not, the way we look is just a temporary and superficial measure of who we are, since every minutes of every day we're all changing and aging—it's just the natural process of life.

Please, I'm not suggesting that a great looking man, or woman, can't possess many of the same mate-attracting attributes as their plainer looking brothers and sisters. And, I'm not saying that people who have gain success because of their looks are any less deserving of those who haven't.

Intelligence and beauty, however, are largely to do with our environment and genetics, both of which we have no control over.

Certainly few things in life are worthier of celebration than ‘beauty’. It's just that I really think we're sinking to all new levels of shallowness when groups like this rear their ugly heads.

My Silver Slippers :

As I sit here, in my comfy slippers I just can't help but think—"Oh, the pressures of looking gorgeous and glamorous for, us, women..."

It's easy for men, but when the invitation says "black tie" it invariable means high heels for their partners. I mean, I'm no fashioinista, but even I realise it's just not a good look to wear shoes that look like a couple of giant squashed olives with a cocktail dress? Eek! However, especially for any length of time, a pair of high heels can be one of the most uncomfortable items a woman can wear. So, why do women wear them? It's vanity, that's what it is that makes women sacrifice comfort for compliments!

It's like, what makes a Hollywood actress look so damned hot and sexy strutting her stuff on the red carpet? Is it her fabulously flawless face and overly coiffured hair? The skimpy designer gown that's barely covering her hotter than hot body? Or, even, the million dollar jewels she's managed mooch a loan of? Oh, no, no, tell you, it's those damned skyscraper heels she's so practised at wearing, that's what it is!

I ask you, what red-blooded male can resist a woman in high heels? And, as any leg man will tell you, a pair of stilettos will always make curvaceous legs look even longer and lovelier Yep, whether a woman's doing a sexy strut in the bedroom, or a twirl on the dance floor, a pair of spiky heels will most surely boost, not only her butt, but her sex appeal too!

I suppose I shouldn't complain so much. I'm a very average shoe size, so at least I have a good choice of styles. I have friend who's almost 180cm and her feet are much bigger to match. I mean, not Sideshow Bob big, but large enough that it's really difficult for her to find anything that's doesn't come in black or brown, and look like something my granny would wear. She also has legs that go for days, and a face and body that makes men's mouths drop wide open when she walks into a room, so I guess it's only fair that she should have trouble buying shoes.

Ah, but I digress…

Anyway, we've been invited to this 'black tie' evening, again. It's a regular thing every year coming up to Christmas. It just seems so inappropriate, too, to expect men to wear suits and ties in such warm weather. I guess they don't call it the silly season for nothing.

Well, I found a pair of gorgeous shoes, but they're not even marginally ambulatory! So, why am I such a victim? Maybe I should just spray paint my slippers silver instead?

My Disappearing Christmas :

Dr. Seuss told us, in his own special way, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Well, nobody's stolen anything this Christmas. Oh, but Christmas, the real Christmas, the one I grew up with, seems to be disappearing faster than Santy at dawn.

I see it eroding year by year as we bow more and more to ridiculous notions of political correctness and over the top secularism. Every year it gets worse. Can't we be spared the cultural and religious differences just long enough to enjoy a good old-fashioned "Merry Christmas"?

Increasingly, the season is marred by debates over whether, or not, it's proper to display nativity scenes, sing carols, put up Christmas decorations, and so on. What should we expect next? Is a fat Santa really a good role model for our kids? Should one of the three wise men be represented by a female, so the women's movement won't be offended? Should the baby Jesus be depicted as coffee coloured to avoid being seen as racially prejudiced? And, please, before anyone jumps on me, I'm not talking about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ—I feel that's a peripheral thing for Christians to revere. Let's face it, Christmas has been so modified and modernised over the last two thousand years that it just means so much more and so much less than that now. I'm talking, quite simply, about a good happy time of the year for people to forget their differences and unite in friendship, tolerance, and understanding.

I'm not a Christian but I can still enjoy the Christmas season with all its glitter and trimmings—can't I?

Well, Christmas pageants and decorations are gradually disappearing from public schools and many other buildings, and the rousing "Merry Christmas!" is evolving into a bland "Happy Holidays". We're just so afraid of offending someone, or some group, somehow. Which someone, which group, and how, no one really seems very clear about. Secular, smecular! I don't want a sanitised season!

If we can't understand and celebrate our differences, can't we at least be open minded enough to respect and tolerate them?

According to the song, "It's the most wonderful time of the year..." yet it's just getting to feel more and more tiresome. A little more 'giving', which is the basic messages of Christmas, would surely help.

Now, please, may I wish you a very Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! And, damn it—anything else you may choose to celebrate, that happens to fall in the month of December!